June 4, 2018
Baby is napping. Husband is out the house.
First time in weeks that I am alone with my thoughts.
Wind is blasting across the Island.
Nescafe instant coffee - it’s still hot!!
The thing I miss post-baby:
Drinking coffee without interruptions.
Had a dream about grey tea. There is no grey tea.
Staples on screen doors look like rusty ants.
Cats everywhere. I hate the smell of cat piss.
Worries, lots of worries and anxieties
Who am I, and what the fuck am I doing?
Have been fronting this whole motherhood thing.
I wonder when I will be caught.
Fake it till I make it.
How do I get my creativity back?
I don’t want the haters to be right.
Fuck you. Motherhood doesn’t kill creativity, it’s just different
but is that just a kinder way to say
‘babe , it’s finito’.
Don’t freak out. Do not loose your shit.
My brain is mushed. My thoughts are chaos.
How to make money and support my family
while staying creative.
My best work? Journal entries.
Letters to friends. Emails. Look for email entries. Instagram.
Ugh Instagram. Social media. More fronting.
We put so much effort into our little one
and we forget ourselves and our partner. What a cliché.
I’m trying to wrap my brain
around everything and make sentences.
It’s as if
my words are stuck in a blender.
I am exhausted.
I am furious.
Do other mums talk about how
pissed they are
and how they are always pissing themselves?
Is it faux pas because
it’s a privileged to be a parent.
This game between mother and father is so rigged.
Boobs. My nipples are annihilated.
How to write a screenplay?
Start with an essay.
What kind of stories do I want to tell? A funny one.
Must see humor, otherwise the stress and overwhelmingness of it all
will make you cry non stop.
Motherhood + Marriage = a fucking shit show.
Do not stab partner in the face.
The funniest, silliest and most amazing person
that came into my life and turned it upside down.
I would not want it any other way.
When I try to remember life before her,
it’s all out of focus.
How do I relearn to see the world like her?
It’s just filled with wonder and mischief. Pay close attention.
It’s noon. She’ll be awake soon.
This has been the most creative I’ve been in months.
Just silence with my thoughts.
My crazy, silly, angry loving thoughts.
It’s nice to have a moment to think.
Mushed again. My brain.
Shit, the laundry.
Always things to do.
Flowers on cactus.
Couscous is burnt. Fuck.
What’s my next act?
I am 40 years old. What the fuck am I doing?
Goal. Small goals.
Sleep for more than 4 hrs.
Sit down to read a book and not know the date.
20 days in Paros. Journal for Skye.
Am I finally calming down?
I don’t want this calm to end.
Baby is awake.